Life is a balancing act. We all have moments of that elusive, weightless balance before the board goes right or left, up or down, in and out of favor. Many have told me I’m lucky to have had a life such as I have – one full of superlatives. Those that say this seem to not appreciate that tightrope of happy mediums they so artfully walk across as though they were an acrobat. I am not so agile. I have known the happiness that comes with being blissfully in love and the desperation of having my heart torn to a million pieces. I have known true tranquility, one that radiates from within – though through the rose-colored glasses of ignorance. At the moment I am experiencing a mix of indifference and utter despair, one so deep that I cannot see the light of day from its depths. It comes and goes, this indifference. A sweet reprieve. I long for the happiness, the tranquility I once felt. At times I try to deceive myself into being happy, at least acting happy. But the feeling is fleeting, no matter how hard I try to keep it in my grasp. It’s a false hope that this despair is starting to release its hold on me. I’m starting to yearn for the back and forth, ups and downs of my previous years. It feels as though it’s all just down now, no movement except the brief lift that comes from all this pushing I’ve done, trying to get things back in motion. The load is too heavy. I need someone to help by pulling me up from the other side.
For every action there is a reaction. Life is a chain of events that spur from one another. Each decision, no matter how small, will indeed affect the entire outcome of the rest of your life. Where you go to eat, what route you take to work, whether you take the elevator or the stairs. Some may have tiny, miniscule effects that are barely noticed in the scheme of time. Others are like large ripples, skewing everything in the paths to come.
Sitting on the bathroom floor with a handful of pills was not where I would have ever expected to be. It felt surreal. It couldn’t be my life. Who was this person? I thought I should call someone. Anyone. But I also know that as an already dramatic person who has well overused the support of her friends, no one would even give me the time of day at 3AM on a Saturday morning. No one would take it seriously. Should I even take it seriously? So I took them, one by one, hoping with each pill I would become more and more numb to what was happening. More and more numb to the fact that I was slowly poisoning myself to death. And then it happened. I was numb and I remember nothing of the events for the next 36 hours. I remember hallucinations, small events here and there, but most of that time is lost forever to me. I remember thinking it was a worse punishment than death. I remember wishing for death to come. I remember praying to a God that I’m not even sure exists for some sort of guidance, a sign to tell me what to do to get out of this.
And through all of this, I survived. I did have an angel with me, albeit an earthly one. From the moment he realized what I had done he never left my side. And while we have had so many struggles throughout the years and I was the one who hurt him in the end, he still sat by my side. He still made sure I made it through. He took care of me when I absolutely needed it the most.
Sometimes I’m sure I will still wish I could disappear. I still feel very alone. I still feel despair. But I had a breakthrough this weekend. Life is so much more complicated than any one of us can ever understand. All we can do is walk together and lift one another up.
We’re at an impasse. Any decision is the wrong decision on some level, even the easiest decision is probably the worst: doing nothing at all. Let everything stay the way it is. Keep living in the pretend reality that everything is okay. Keep letting the years go by without making a decision. Keep hoping things will change. You know you keep repeating that stupid quote in your head “The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results.” And yet you keep doing it. Because the moment you stand on the precipice, the moment you look at the edge at what’s unknown at the bottom, you pull back. You recede into what’s known, what’s comfortable. Even though you know it’s irrational. Even though you know it’s holding you back from progress.
This year you have come the closest yet to making the jump. Have faith. The therapist is right: you are immature. You are not mature enough to stand on your own. You are not mature enough to take what you already know and put it into practice. That one statement twisted your reality so far backwards, that now you aren’t sure what to do with yourself. It really is your fault. You put yourself here and only you can bring yourself out.
So, I ask again, where do we go from here? Do we continue on this path through the fishbowl we have been pretending is the world? Knowing that eventually it will end, but allowing someone else to make that decision for us? Are we that weak? Maybe we are. Let’s fade back into our false reality for a bit longer. It’s comfortable here with the wool pulled over our eyes.